Last night I couldn't sleep. Finally, after finishing the book I've been reading, I turned my laptop back on and e-mailed Stephen.

Stephen was my dad's partner when my dad was diagnosed and he stayed through until the end. He was the very first boyfriend who ever treated me like a real part of my dad's life. The night of their first date, I had a basketball game so he was the one who suggested that he go to the game and then we'd go for pizza after. For the three years he lived with us, he was as important to my life as anyone else and he did become my father. When my dad died, Stephen stuck around for a while. I know he wanted custody of me but there was no way in hell the courts in Texas were going to give him custody over my mom or my uncle. We stayed in touch though. Regular emails and phone calls.

Soon after dad died, he was diagnosed too. I asked him recently if it was my dad who infected him and he's pretty sure it was but says there's always the possibility it was someone else. But then he reminded me that sex does take two people and technically, he was just as much to blame for getting sick. Anyway, the time it could have happened, they didn't know about dad's HIV status. It's not an excuse, there's never an excuse, but it's the truth. I hope it wasn't dad though. I just don't think dad could spend the afterlife knowing Stephen was sick.

He's in New York now living with his new partner who seems pretty cool. He's an FBI agent. They came to the Championship game in March and every so often I'll get an email from him too. He told me in the last one that he wished Stephen could have had custody of me too.

I can't complain about my custody arrangements, though. After mom was shot, I got to go back to my house and my family. Uncle Tony kept the house and I got my room back and my friends and my school and it was everything I needed after the bullshit mom was pulling. I got to help raise my cousins and whenever I got really, really, sad I could go down into the studio and sit on the couch and feel like I was there with Dad.

But I do feel better after emailing Stephen. He's doing really well and he reminded me to not stress my foot out too much. (He used to coach football before he got sick. I tend to listen to his coaching advice.) He said he misses my dad on days like today too and told me this story that I hadn't remembered - right after they started dating, dad and the band had an awards show to perform at and it was an overnight thing and usually I'd stay with Sasha while they went on something like that but Stephen offered to watch me. We went with Dad and the band to the airport and then drove back and ordered pizza and watched the awards show on TV. Time Machine won all the awards they were up for. I was so proud. And Stephen was too.

Anyway, I feel better. Jess took me to breakfast at Breadman's and I'm going to church tonight to light a candle for Dad. It isn't the same without my dad here, but wallowing isn't going to make that fact change.

Happy Father's Day, Dad and Stephen.