I didn't want to bring this up yesterday because it didn't feel quite real to me and I didn't want to jinx anything until it was made official. Anyway, yesterday was just a hard day for me. I don't care how far away we get from the event, Marc's passing rests heavy on my heart. He was taken from us too soon.

At the end of last year, I got called into the administrator's office. This is never a good thing when you're a gay teacher. It usually means someone has filed some kind of complaint against you and they want to let you go quietly. While I'm not really open about my sexuality, enough people know that I worried some student had said some bullshit. Danny does come with me to the Christmas parties after all. All it takes is one person saying something completely untrue to ruin your entire career. Trust me. Instead, they told me that there was a possibility they'd need an assistant coach with the Varsity Football Team and would I be interested if the need arose.

Duh.

See, all I ever wanted to do was play sports. I played basketball and football in high school and then went to Notre Dame and played football there - I was a wide receiver and ran for 15 touchdowns before a completely illegal foul took me down, screwed up my knee, and ended my career my junior year. Three surgeries and a lot of physical therapy later I was healed, but I knew I'd never be able to play professionally. I transferred to the University of Texas, came out of the closet, and got my degree in English Literature with a minor in athletics or some such shit and then went to finish my masters in English so I could teach. When I was hired over at Austin Central as a fresh, baby faced teacher seeking a chance to reach my kids, I was asked if I had any coaching experience as they needed someone to help out with the JV football team. I leapt at the chance. When they realized that I knew what I was doing, I started working with the Varsity kids too and when the Head Coach left to take an assistant job at Penn State, they gave me the job and I took the team to three state championships all the while fostering a love for education with my boys. They went to class. We had study groups. The kids graduated.

When it became public that I was dating Marc (I'd kept my sexuality quiet until then) the team rallied behind me when parents and school politicians wanted to take the position away from me. You haven't had your heart ripped out and stepped on until the star of your team comes to you in tears and says, "Coach, my mom and dad say I gotta quit football cause you're gonna molest us. I know you aren't, but they say I gotta. I'm not gonna let it happen, but you need to know what's going on and what they're saying." I was there for twelve years before I resigned. The politicians let me keep my job because the football team threatened to walk off the field if they fired me, but after Marc's death, I had to get out of Austin. My subsequent HIV diagnosis brought me into an even trickier set of circumstances. After all, it's hard enough to be gay in this climate. Add in a disease that people STILL don't really understand and you might as well kiss it all goodbye. I contemplated going back to school or moving up to the Community College level, but then came the offer from the school in Harlem.

Taking that job saved my life, really. For the past six years, I have taught English to the most amazing group of kids in the world. All of them who walk through my door come through with a chip on their shoulder. They are looking at a lifetime full of broken promises and no one showing that they give a shit about them. I don't reach all of them, but they do all leave my class knowing how to read better. It's hard, it's terrifying, it's heart-breaking. But it is rewarding. I'm not out, I have no reason to be. Some kids know because they know Time Machine, but most of them have no clue. No one knows about my HIV diagnosis, again unless they know the circle I used to run with. But last summer, when I was told of the possibility for the coaching job, I let the administration know about my status. They don't have the right to ask, but I wanted to make sure they knew what they were getting in to. Do they really want their coach to be a gay man with HIV?

Their response? "Stephen, how many of these kids or their parents are infected? Just be careful. You're our last hope. For six years you've fought a lot of crap from these kids. You can handle the athletes."

So as of yesterday, I am taking over the basketball team and I am helping with the Varsity football team.

It's different here. These kids ... so many of them, all they have is this team with second hand uniforms and no money. In Texas, they throw money at you and will cut academic clubs for sports. In New York, they have no money. We've gone through three basketball coaches in three years. These kids need someone they can depend on.

I think about Luke, where he'd be without basketball. I love that boy, but he'd be a freshman college dropout with no goals, living on his trust fund. Even with his love of learning, he drifts when he doesn't have that ball in his hands. Basketball keeps him grounded. And there are so many kids out there who just need to find that one thing to get them out of bed in the morning.

So here I go. First team meeting is in just a few minutes. Football practice tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.